Hiatus

I’ve been absent for a while. Not just from this online platform, but also mentally.

I was waiting until I felt fine to discuss this with anyone, but the truth is, you never feel fine. Life took a bit of an unprecedented turn into shitsville. I fell victim to an act of violence first hand which to this day, still has me shaken up. I was robbed at gunpoint and my things were taken along with my peace. Things are replaceable, peace, well I’m still working on it 5 months later.

Things took an even worse plunge when the universe I had growing in me decided it was not a good time to come in to this world. We lost our first baby, I had a miscarriage.

It was nothing that could have been done differently to perhaps change that outcome, it just was what it was. Which I still don’t know if knowing that something could have been done to prevent that loss would have made a difference in my feelings. in the 4 months since I have not heard that little heartbeat I have learned that the pain doesn’t go away, but it does hide every now and then making the days more bearable. I learned that pregnancy can be a rollercoaster of all emotions, that our bodies are magnificent, miscarriage can be very messy and painful, family and friends are a lifesaver, and grief is inevitable.

Within this experience I do feel a great amount of gratitude.

I am grateful to my body for being able to carry a life within itself.

I am grateful to be able to feel both the good and bad.

I am grateful for the doctor whom was able to answer each question and concern I had.

I am grateful for my mother and father for rushing over when I most needed them.

I am grateful for my best friends Mel and Milly for arriving with breakfast, lunches, dinners and great conversation.

I am grateful for my co-worker who’s turned into the big sister I never had who called consistently.

I am grateful for my life partner who held the fort down while I was down.

I am grateful for the opportunity to have heard that little tiny heart as long as I did.

Talk very soon and more often, Bree.